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But for a Moment.

Moments are funny things, in that they’re both complex and simple in the most profound ways. For example, sharing an evening with precious friends is not necessarily difficult to grasp or understand on a fundamental level. Should one feel tempted to pull a Freud, however, an analysis of the individuals represented in such a situation and the relationships shared between each of those people, would reveal things to be much more complex on both an inter and intra-personal level.

I’ve been having intense bouts of thankfulness for the things that I find all around me over the course of the past few weeks. I can’t really fathom how I’ve been blessed with this life. Some days, I feel like looking upward and just saying, “Why me?”

At the end of the day, my life is beautiful because of the people in it…and that’s something I struggle to explain, as I find words to feel almost weightless in my feeble attempts to define a phenomenon so much greater than myself. As I mentioned last week on Thanksgiving, I am incredibly in love with my life…and that’s that.

Perhaps another level of complexity comes into play when we begin to dissect the vast array of emotion and sentiment that plays such a large role in the realm of social connections. Intensity courses through our relationships, much as adrenalin races through an athlete’s veins. Be it fear, joy, anticipation, exasperation, or one of a million other things…one would be hard pressed to call the rush of building relationships with those around us “routine.” Each situation presents a new challenge, and a new obstacle.

I suppose through it all, I’m simply attempting to understand each moment for what it is…precious, amazing, and so valuable…yet at the end of it the day, it’s not something that I’m allowed to hold on to forever. I think there’s an innate part of our conscience that is built for change and development. Truly, allowing ourselves to remain in one state for eternity encourages something that is so brutally stagnant and stale that it can take something that was once breathtakingly beautiful and transform it into something vulgar and putrid.

I remember my precious friend Megan in London used to look at me after reading something I’d written, and in utter confusion, ask me as to what I was “on about.” Sometimes, I think it’s worth sharing sentiments in their abstract form, simply because it allows another to absorb and contemplate on a level that doesn’t necessarily relate to my own situation. Nevertheless, in the event that you too would find yourself feeling a bit like Megan…I’ll simply say this. I love my life, but I’m really struggling to get past the fear that says that I need to cling to these precious moments forever. Tomorrow will be beautiful, as will next month…as will the rest of the days of my existence. I will find beauty in the things around me, and I know that I will continue to be blessed in enormous ways.

Sometimes, shaking that fear is just such a difficult thing to do. It’s so hard to fall in love with individuals, knowing they are only in your life for a season. Much like a summer romance taken straight from the script of Grease, so often we are presented with situations in which we know that “forever” will never come into play. We are united for but an instant, brought together for a blip in time…and it is there that fear and heartbreak can come into play.

I don’t want fear to overshadow the joy of every day life…nor do I want to carry the burden of a heavy heart, simply because I know that one day, whether in the near or distant future, things are bound to change.

My precious friend Zoë moved back to Australia last week…and it shook something inside of me. I knew it was coming, I knew to expect it…but I didn’t really grasp the reality of it, for there was no way possible in which imagining such a circumstance felt plausible. Life in Paris without Zoë? I didn’t even know what that could look like.

I was thinking Sunday night about it having been one week since she flew home…and it felt so incredibly surreal. Life continues on, just as it always has…yet the people who continue living their respective lives are not in any manner the same people. Certainly, they continue living…but it’s almost as if they’ve simply “restarted,” rather than continued…something, or in this case, someone…came along and redefined what our understanding looked liked…and the departure of that catalyst resulted in a necessity to begin living a new sort of life, without that crucial element that rewrote the definition in the first place.

I had the opportunity to spend a beautiful evening with some friends tonight, and I had a discussion with some of them that spurred a bit of fear within me. Impending departures next semester, predetermined “sell-by” dates if you will…they strike fear into my core. “No, no, no…” I think to myself. “I don’t want to savor today because it’s so beautiful and wonderful, and know that tomorrow will bring something different. I want to know that you’ll still be there tomorrow!”

Then again, perhaps it is in the momentary encounters, the brief exchanges…that true beauty is reflected in the most authentic way. The most beautiful flowers in the entire world bloom for but a short time, soon to fade away…but though they may vanish, wilting into the ground…the plant they were once a part of remains. The roots are still in the soil, forever having changed the composition of that plot of dirt.

No gardener cuts his flowers from the stem, placing them in his freezer so he might remember them in their glory. Rather, he walks by his rose bush today, smelling the fragrant aroma and soaking in the vivid explosion of his blossom’s colorful petals…knowing full well that his precious flower will fade away tomorrow. It is simply the circle of life.

I’ll be entirely honest with you…I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to say goodbye, and I don’t want to kiss the cheeks of those I love, wishing them good fortune on the path that lies ahead. I want to be a part of their journey.

I often end such posts with a simple challenge of some sort, asking those reading these words to apply something I am choosing to walk in, in their own lives and situations. Tonight, I don’t claim to be an expert in any of this…as I am evidently just as conflicted as another might find himself in such a situation. I suppose I only want to pose a question, as much to myself as anyone else…

In choosing to embrace the fear of tomorrow’s loss, what beauty and blessing am I effectively preventing myself from experiencing today?

As always, thanks for reading adaminparis.com. You guys are truly stellar…and whether I know you for today or for the rest of my life, I’m truly so overwhelmed with gratitude for the influence you hold in my world. I couldn’t possibly be more blessed.