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I Am Independent, I Am In Control, I AM…Bursting Into Tears?

Hey everybody-

Today is Wednesday, which means my day is blissfully free of classes…oh yes, you heard that right. It may only be day three of being a student again, but I’m already celebrating my days off, so sue me. I’m going to skip over the run through of my day with you, as there truly isn’t much to report…the fridge has finished defrosting, I ate some fruit for breakfast, and…that’s about it. Riveting, I know!

Rather, today I thought I’d share some of my thoughts about this adventure that I call my life. I’ve said many a time that I’ve never seen the past few years as anything more than routine. Yes, I moved abroad and started a new life, but it doesn’t feel like a big deal…it feels like an exciting endeavor, like something that brought about great challenges and incredible moments of elation, amongst one million other things. Still, it doesn’t feel like I tackled the task of a lifetime.

Often, people will tell me that such an understanding means I’m exceptionally independent. Frankly, I came to that conclusion a long time ago, but it’s nice that they recognize some of the roots that make me who I am. Nevertheless, that independent streak seems to be a reoccurring theme, one that I couldn’t hide from, even if I wanted to do so.

Along with that independence comes the “control freak” part of me. It kind of makes me laugh, because there are so many areas in which I don’t feel like a control freak in the least bit…but then, there are others in which I know that I am the one in charge, so help me.

If you look at my life, you’ll see the influence of those sentiments written all over the place. I am stubbornly confident that I know exactly what I’m doing, even when I’m hopelessly lost. I put little value on what other people tell me I can and can’t do. I am the one steering this ship, and the people yelling at me about their own perspectives and opinions are simple background noise.

This is all fine and good until something changes…when my heart connects to a situation. You see, making decisions about universities, and which city I’m going to live in tomorrow…those aren’t necessarily things that pull on my emotions. Oh sure, they make me excited, they fill me with wonder and fascination…but they don’t make me emotional, per se.

No, most often, my intense emotions are reserved for situations that relate to another individual. I am confident in going about my daily routine, I am secure in who and what I’m choosing to be…but the game changes entirely when I become enthralled by another person, and the impact that they bring about in my world.

Suddenly, my very analytical mind goes haywire, and I’m left feeling entirely out of control and codependent and…one million other things that I never like to feel. I’ve become so comfortable with my own independence, that when it’s “threatened” by the realization that a relationship with another person jeopardizes my totalitarian-like grip on the reins of control, I flip out a little bit. “Oh my goodness, I can’t do this!” I think to myself. “I want to curl up under the covers and never come back out! It’s so much easier that way.”

The most ironic element of all is that as much as my brain freaks out when I realize control has slipped from grasp, my heart kind of loves it. Of course, I don’t enjoy the conflict, nor do I enjoy my brain’s incessant questioning and total meltdown. Sometimes, the emotions that are born out of that are also very unpleasant, but these aren’t the things I’m referencing. Rather, I’m talking about the simple act of choosing to give up some of my control and share it with someone else.

Have you ever driven a car with a manual transmission in tandem with someone? One person controls the pedals of the car and the steering wheel, relying on the other person to shift gears when necessary. Both individuals are just as valuable…one is controlling the direction and velocity, but the other holds control over the vehicle’s ability to advance.

Relationships are a lot like that…if the person you’re driving with shifts into the wrong gear, you’re going to encounter a ton of resistance and some unpleasant moments that may eventually cause the entire thing to come to a halt. On the flip side, however, if the two are in the same Accord®, everything works together in harmony. Sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun…I’m sooo clever, right?

In the end, each of us, whether laid-back or insanely control-centric, has a decision to make. Will you yield your dictator’s power for the opportunity to build something more powerful than that which you’re capable of creating on your own, or will you stay holed up in your tower, reigning your little kingdom solely by your own volition? If my own experience might serve as any sort of guidance, I’d encourage you to let your guard down from time to time. Sure, it might send your “control system” into absolute mayhem mode, and in the end, your heart may even get bruised…but the risk is so worth the potential joy and satisfaction that lies on the other side. Trust me, you’ll never want to drive a car all alone ever again.