Post One: Life Update

Wow, so the last few weeks have really been crazy times in the City of Light. The holiday season is approaching, which is exciting…wait, I suppose we’re already IN the holiday season, meaning the HOLIDAYS are quick approaching! At any rate, I’ve got a lot on my plate in terms of living situations…As many of you know, I live with a great friend of mine named Aaron. We have a blast in our apartment in the 12th arrondissement of Paris, but our lease expires on December 31.

As we are both headed home for the holidays, we need to find a new residence…and pronto! =P The last few weeks have been a blur of housing visits, appointments, and frantic searching. I’m confident that it will all work out, but seeing as I come home on the 13th of December, time is a bit pressed as of late. Keep us in your thoughts & prayers for sure!

I will once again be appearing before the French consulate on Dec 14th, which is soooo exciting, of course. Ok, perhaps there was a hint of sarcasm hidden in there. It seems to be my annual December routine I suppose…meet with the French consulate and prove that they really want me in this country! I’m not really stressing about it, though I do need to have my new lease in hand when I appear before them…kinda freaky! Again, trusting all of the unfinished details will work out in time!

As for my home agenda, I think it’s going to be a pretty laid back month…wow, a MONTH! I can’t imagine what kind of randomness I’ll get up to in that much time, but I know this boy’s heart will probably be aching for France after a while….but of course, it’s amazing to get to spend time with those that mean so much to me back in Iowa…party!

Anyhow, there you have it! That’s what’s up in my world!

Post Two: Conflicting Agendas

Do you ever have moments where you realize…wow, my behavior is motivated by an outside factor? I’ve had this bizarre realization a few times over the last few weeks, where I’ve been in social situations and something has clicked…my behavior or attitude is being directly influenced and motivated based on something other than my personal emotions.

It is entirely unnerving to suddenly snap your head back and go, “Wait a second. Why did you say/do that?” and realize that the only possible explanation is the desire to leave some sort of impression with another individual.

I’m pretty proud of the fact that I’m fiercely independent. I like to make my own decisions, and often times I place no restraints on what form those decisions take. I’m not clinging to the hope that someone else will accept my actions. Of course, it’s human nature to want to be accepted. Having said that, I find that often my need for acceptance is limited to a very narrow scope of individuals, and the approval or rejection of the others is simply par for the course.

I suppose what is troubling and intriguing is the idea of letting myself be shaped by the expectations or impressions of other people, regardless of whether or not those ideas are simply perceived or true sentiments. If I say X, Y, or Z, I can in turn expect the response to be this, that, or the other…which in turn transforms my normal interactions into a convoluted equation that equals me slipping into the role of whatever actor fits the part best.

Perhaps today I’m energetic, enthusiastic, over-the-top Adam? Or maybe I’m refined, preferring to discuss topics like international politics and the repercussions of American’s social attitudes on foreign affairs. I’m certainly not targeting shifts in conversation as a negative thing. I know we’re all multifaceted individuals, and nobody is entirely one thing. Nevertheless, is a shift in behavior that occurs in the hope that a desired response will be evoked within another individual a negative thing? I can’t help but think it must be, for it cheats that person of the opportunity to see the true you.

For example, what if I decide that a certain persona fits a social situation best? I bound around like a crazy kangaroo, not because it’s my heart’s desire, but because I think it will cause a certain emotion or understanding to develop in another’s mind. It is unfair to every person involved. It’s unfair to me, because I’m forcing myself into a constrained box that I have zero desire to conform to. Furthermore, it’s unfair to the other person…because both outcomes are unfavorable. A-They respond positively to such action, or B-They respond negatively. In either case, they are responding to a deliberately placed stimuli that in no way reflects reality.

I know this isn’t really an isolated occurrence that only I have experienced. We are all “guilty” of altering our behaviors, modifying our personas, to reflect what we find to be expected of us…nevertheless, I still can’t shake the feeling that overtly planned interactions are anything but authentic.

I’m resolving to myself to place a new emphasis on being simply ME, because it’s what I want…and accepting the outcomes of such action, regardless of whether they are negative or positive. I can’t help but think that if in avoiding showing truth I could jeopardize the very reaction that I’d sought all along…and perhaps that is simply too great of a risk to consider wagering.